holding babies

The other day I finally decided not to feel bad for wanting to hold my baby all the time. I know, you didn't imagine I would be having such struggles, but having a baby has encouraged me to feel things I never imagined either. Since having my cute little boy, I will be places with him and other people will want to hold him or play with him, and it's totally fine. In fact it's probably good, I want him to have a good time with other people so he doesn't grow up afraid of them. But I've felt a silent pressure to share him with others that don't really like. I've felt, at times, like I should be planning times to have someone watch him for me just so others can enjoy him for a while, or I should let others hold him in church when really I'm perfectly content to hold him myself all the time. (There are rare moments when I am tired or grumpy for some reason, when I am glad to have others take him, but it is rare).

Well, I made a little breakthrough the other day. I've never been a major baby person, and usually am not even inclined to hold other people's babies. I may recognize that they are cute, even feel happy looking at them and their adorableness, but I don't yearn to hold them the same way lots of women seem to. I think it's my Vulcan-ness that sees them more as little strangers that don't know me and I don't know them, rather than as merely adorable infants.

So, this weekend I finally connected the two feelings. I realized that since I don't really care about holding other peoples babies, mine are all I'll have to cuddle as infants, so I need to eat up every little second I get. And I don't need to feel bad for not sharing him with other women. They can apparently get their fix with other people's kids, so I'm not obliged to gratify their cravings with my child. My kid is my kid, I like holding him all the way through church (I'm almost jealous when my own husband holds him, for crying out loud), I like hanging out with him even on weekends, and I even think it's cute to take him with us to restaurants.

I'm glad to have one more guilt erased from my life, and while I won't swear I'll feel exactly the same way all my life, I'm gonna own it. And love spending all the time I can with my little man who just isn't going to be little for very long.

i'm a mom

Ok, it's official. I know I've been pregnant for what seems like ages (it's only recently dawned on me that I will not be pregnant forever, but will, in fact, be skinny again one day), but it is now totally for real. Why? Well, because the other day I finally had some true, spontaneous, and almost overwhelming mom feelings.

I've never been the baby crazy type. I never wanted to hold my young woman advisors' babies. I didn't yearn to go out and moon over cutsey baby things the second I knew I was expecting. I didn't even fantasize about how I would decorate my baby's room. All I know is that I love my family, I've always known that I wanted one, and - as far as anyone has told me - this is how you go about getting it.

It almost makes me sound like an unfeeling automaton, doesn't it? Well, I'm happy to report that I am truly a flesh and blood, genuine, and loving mother. My proof came the other day when I was doing nothing more spectacular than pulling up to a yogurt place for lunch. As I was approching I just kind of started thinking about having a baby. I started imagining holding him and talking to him and taking him with me places. And in the middle of imagining I spontaneously started to giggle with joy and excitement. My eyes even started to well up in happy emotion (I tried to keep that under control, though, seeing how I was about to order my lunch). It was unexpected and not forced. It sprang up from some place inside of me which must be the dormant maternal instinct that I've been waiting to hear from since May, when I first knew I was pregnant. It felt very good, and made me very happy, and I'm very grateful for it. Maybe I'll be a good mom afterall.

i have a burning question

Well, it would appear that I did not have a November, or that I had nothing worth relating during the month of November. However, the truth is that, in November, I was on a completely different planet; one that does not have blogs, or the internet, or even catchy little titles for them.

No, in November I was on Planet Wed and so I apologize that I did not blog at all...I don't even think I remembered that blogging existed. Then, Thursday afternoon, out of nowhere the word "blog" popped into my mind and it was like an entire previous life was instantaneously reintroduced into my memory. I have a blog, my loved ones have blogs, I must view theirs and update mine. Thus, here I am.

And I am here to pose a question that has come to me following my recent experiences and a comment made on a friend's blog. Why on earth does almost everyone act like you are going to be so tired and hungry and crabby on your wedding day that you will be counting the minutes till you finally get to leave the reception? I don't know how many times I heard comments like these, "Oh, you're gonna be so tired you'll just wanna be out of there," "So, are you stressed out of your mind yet?" "Oh, you don't want to have too much to do, you'll be so stressed and tired," etc, etc. Not to mention the anecdotes that have reached me about newlyweds who starved on their wedding day/night because they never had time to make it to the food, or who were annoyed at the reception about whatever. Therefore, I would like to set the record straight.

According my my experience none of these statements or observations have the least basis of fact. I had a fantastic time on my wedding day! It was the best day ever! Yes, there was a lot to do. No, it didn't all turn out just as I'd envisioned. Yes, I took my shoes of for most of the reception cause they did get a bit tired after walking around all day. But let me tell you, I didn't care one iota. I had the best time! None of my biggest worries came to fruition.

~I'd been afraid that I'd be so tired of taking pictures that I would hate being dragged all over temple square to take more, but it was great! I felt it a wonderful way to bask in what had just occurred and to spend time leisurely allowing it to sink in (I was glad we'd brought granola bars and water, though).

~I was afraid we would run out of time for lunch and I'd be crabby for the reception. Actually we did (though barely) have time to get lunch...then I hardly ate any of it! When my emotions are overflowing in someway I generally don't even want to eat, and I found that pretty much all day, even if I was a little hungry I didn't notice or mind like I typically might.

~I was afraid of being late to the reception...and we were. Oops, and while I apologize to anyone who found that incredibly inconvenient, it was not the end of the world and everyone was so cool about it and I still had a fantastic time at the reception.

~I was afraid I would be so tired and antsy to be gone with Ty that I would not even want to be at my reception and might even be testy at having to greet all sorts of people whom I don't know and may never see again. In reality, I had a blast at my reception! Seriously, I had so much fun! I loved my flowers and our music and seeing my little nieces and nephews out the corners of my eyes and cutting the cake and dancing with Ty and my Dad...I even had a great time greeting all those people! I was genuinely in such a good mood that I was chipper and friendly and talkative and it was just awesome!

~I was afraid I'd miss food at the reception and be so hungry that night that I'd be crabby. I totally wasn't. Firstly because I asked a sister to pack some food for Ty and I which she graciously did. Secondly, because, as noted above, extra emotions tend to make me not very hungry. So, while I ate a few bites, I really didn't need that much.

~I was afraid we'd miss our flight the next morning...we did. Ha! Ok, somehow that just happened, but it all worked out anyway.

So, what did I learn from all of this? Don't believe a word people say. Their experience is their experience, yours is yours...and I'm just glad I'm not them.

just for the joy of blogging

I really really wanted to blog today, don't know why, so I am determined to tell you something...something that is hopefully uplifting and fun and worth reading...gimme a sec...ok, I've got it. A friend blogger once did a "100 things" entry and I liked it. I'm not sure if I'll make it to 100, but I'll do my best.

1. I love that my sister gets to have a Spain adventure.

2. Ok is really meant to be spelled "ok." "Okay" is actually an extenuation of the original word.

3. I love that my brother and his wife are going to be living close to me this fall. I plan to have many Rock Band parties.

4. I love that my sister is going to be living close to me this fall. I plan to have many throwing parties.

5. I love that my boyfriend-hopefully-more-than-that-soon will soon be living closer to me (at least he has, in earnest, been talking about finding a place up here).

6. Some wedding dresses are REALLY beautiful.

7. Most of them are strapless, which is both unfortunate and unimaginative.

8. I love nachos, homemade with homemade guacamole and/or salsa. They may just be the perfect food.

9. I love my car. It is so simple and nice and has awesome gas mileage.

10. I love shoes. I have too many, yet always seem to have room for more. I did get rid of 15 pairs about a month ago, though, which fact I celebrated by buying about 3 more.

11. My split keyboard is wonderful. I didn't even think I'd miss it until I didn't have it for about a week. Those were dark days.

12. My boyfriend doesn't read my blog. Ha! So I think I'll start saying more about him, just to see if he ever peeks.

13. My job can be really boring sometimes. I miss the lady I used to work with. She was really fun to talk to and at least made things just a little more interesting.

14. I love personality profiles. They help people make more sense and that has to be a good thing for all of us.

15. I have never been skydiving but think I would like it.

16. Today I saw a thing at a track where you can pay like four grand to hang out and drive super awesome cars around, just for fun, all day. They even include champagne. I think I want to do it (sans champagne, of course).

17. Did I ever tell you that I like cars?

18. I think kids are cute, but have never been the type to want to hold someone's baby. The thing usually starts crying and I don't know what to do so I feel stupid and can't wait for the mom to take it back. This used to worry me a bit til my Mom told me that she'd been about the same and that it's totally different with your own. I can believe that because it's already so different with my sister's kids.

19. I LOVE my nieces and nephews.

20. Wow, number 20, that's one fifth of 100.

21. I love stand-up comedy and am so glad that people in my life have introduced me to the joys of Brian Regan, and Mitch Hedburg.

22. I have an oscillating fan and like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. Do you keep my hair in place?...That's right. Do you keep my papers in order?...no, you do not. Do you have three settings?...liar.

23. I am super lucky...so healthy, have everything I need plus people who love me enough that they actually read at least 23 things that were on my mind today.

24. Did you know that you can listen to Carol Tuttle's radio show streaming online? I'm gonna start listening to it at work sometimes instead of the radio.

25. Ok, that's one fourth of 100. I'm thinking that that is probably good for today. Maybe I'll pick it up on another day that I desperately want to blog, but have no defining motive.

my valentine

By the way, it is super duper fun to love a boy on Valentine's. I mean, I liked Valentine's ok before, at least I was determined to.

There was a time ago when I had a friend who would send all of her family and friends Valentine's cards and stuff. Before then I'd always had that slight bit of single-person bitterness about it. However, watching her made me think, "How fun, just make it a 'Celebrate Love Day' instead of only for sweethearts." The next year I bought all my family cards, plus a few other people and I loved it! I felt so much better about the whole situation and enjoyed the season that much more. Probably because it helped me focus on how much love I had in my life rather than what I was lacking.

That said, it sure was fun to have a boy this year, :)

getting flowers

So, this Tuesday a boy brought me flowers. Excuse me, I should say a man brought me flowers cause really he is a man; and besides, I've observed that in most cases persons of the male gender would rather be called "men" than "boys," so I'm trying to obtain the habit. But anyway, that's beside the point.

This Tuesday a man brought me flowers. Do you know? this is the first time I've ever received flowers from a guy. Well, ok, once in high school some guys brought me a single rose, but that doesn't count because it was a bunch of guys who brought them to a bunch of girls. Which is sweet, but definitely doesn't count. So when this man showed up at our arranged time with flowers I think I almost didn't know what to do. It was a little surreal. I'll admit that the statement I've told people, "Man, I'm probably gonna marry the first guy who gives me flowers," ran through my head (don't hold me to it, though :). In the end I believe I recovered well enough, thanked him for them then as well as later that night. I mean, I wanted to make sure he knew I appreciated the thought...he even picked them in colors that I'd said I liked the last time we went out. I'm pretty sure it was something of an impromptu purchase. He'd been at a store buying food for us to eat and I'm sure walked by the flowers and thought I might like them. Hm, how cute.

So, it's made me wonder a little. How is it that I've only just now gotten flowers from a guy? Maybe it has something to do with the thought that ran through my head. While I've always said it half in jest, that leaves half of it that is really quite true. What is it about flowers that means a guy is one you might want to marry?...I think it comes down to two things, a truly affectionate nature, and commitment.

First, only a truly, actually, sweetly affectionate guy is cool enough to want to conform to tradition in such a way as to bring flowers to a girl he is liking (I can still call myself a girl, right? I mean, yes, I'm a woman, but I'm in no way affronted if someone happens to call me a girl). Well ok, either that or a guy who is creepy, but shrewd enough to to believe that as the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so the way to a woman's heart is through lavish gifts. However, we are going to bypass this possibility since those are obviously not the kinds of guys I've been attracting since, as noted above, I have never gotten flowers before. So, of course an affectionate guy, and one that's affectionate about me, is exactly the kind of man I'd want to marry.

Second, giving flowers implies a sort of commitment, and so a committing kind of nature. I mean, sure it's not the I-love-you-like-crazy-baby-never-let-me-go kind of commitment, but it is the you-are-really-cool-and-I-am-confident-enough-in-myself-and-how-I-feel-about-you-right-now-to-spend-money-on-something-that-I'm-pretty-sure-displays-that-I've-been-thinking-of-you kind of commitment. And that is pretty cool, cause you see, not only does it show that they guy likes you, it shows confidence and even hints that he can be committal...who wouldn't want that in a spouse?

Now this leads me to think of guys whom I have dated in the past who didn't ever get me flowers and, you know, they were definitely missing one or both of these qualities. They either really were affectionate and liked me a lot, but totally non-committal, or they were the committing type, but deep down knew they didn't have enough affection for me to make the flowers gesture. Hm, interesting.

So, in the end, I think a guy that will give you flowers has a lot going for him. I'm pretty sure my latest guy does. Now don't anyone get too excited or anything, I still barely know him and am seeing where it'll go, but he's definitely ahead of the game at this point. :)

So there you have it, I have only officially received flowers twice ever. Twice? you say? Yeah, that's right, this is not the only time that I've ever gotten flowers...just the first time from a guy. One time I was pretty sick and my cute cute sister was coming to see me and she brought me flowers. You can see a picture of them at the top of this post. That was seriously so sweet of her and I loved it soooooo much, cause not only is it such a kind thought, but I also just really really really like flowers...what's not to like? they are so super duper pretty.

life changes

Well, so I'm moving. Crazy, I know. I'm gonna miss my little river in the backyard, but I'm gonna love living with Deanna. Yay for family is all I can say. So I'm half packed, my place is a mess, my dryer should be fixed this week so I can clean all my clothes. Then I want to get rid of half of them...I'm really going to try and do it. If nothing else it would mean I wouldn't feel bad about buying new clothes...and it'd bee really fun to buy new clothes. :)

And I'm determined to be positive about the whole situation. To know and believe that everything is working exactly as it should to bring me the greater good. I'll tell you what, though. Stuff like this certainly makes me realize how attached I am to stability. Ha! It'll be good.

mountains are pretty

So I finally hiked to Angel's Landing in Zion's! This is what it looks like from the top. Woo hoo! I've been trying to get there for a long time. I'm sure my parents would want you to know that they wanted to take me once and I said something like, "No, I don't want to go hiking." Well, that was true at the time, but as I've grown into a greater age and maturity, I have started to understand the joys of marching up mountains till your glutes, calves, and feet are tired to then walk down the mountain on jelly legs...then waking up the next morning and realizing which muscles you evidently don't workout enough at the gym.

It was beautiful and so fun to spend time with parents. It's just sad my little sister and brother couldn't make it that day.

Happy Birthday To Me!

That's right, today I am the big two-eight...and I'm feeling good about it. So good that I decided to start my long anticipated blog. It might not be all that cute right now, but give me time to figure it all out.

So yeah, I have a feeling that 28 is going to be a good year. 27 was alright, full of trying to accept. 26 was pretty hard cause it meant I would now be the oldest sister to marry. But now I'm 28, in my upper twenties, I'm a full grown woman with talent and experience to my credit and lots of awesome people in my life.

This weekend I had an extended birthday party with my little brother. His birthday was last weekend, so we binged on ultra-yummy chocolates and watched 3 episodes of "Trick My Truck." Both very worthy slumber party pursuits, but I think my favorite thing was jamming on the harmonica while Aaron played the guitar. No, I don't really play the harmonica all that much, but I sure have a lot of fun trying. And I'm sure those minutes spent making carefree music with a person I love are an omen of good fortune for the year ahead. Bring it on 28!