holding babies

The other day I finally decided not to feel bad for wanting to hold my baby all the time. I know, you didn't imagine I would be having such struggles, but having a baby has encouraged me to feel things I never imagined either. Since having my cute little boy, I will be places with him and other people will want to hold him or play with him, and it's totally fine. In fact it's probably good, I want him to have a good time with other people so he doesn't grow up afraid of them. But I've felt a silent pressure to share him with others that don't really like. I've felt, at times, like I should be planning times to have someone watch him for me just so others can enjoy him for a while, or I should let others hold him in church when really I'm perfectly content to hold him myself all the time. (There are rare moments when I am tired or grumpy for some reason, when I am glad to have others take him, but it is rare).

Well, I made a little breakthrough the other day. I've never been a major baby person, and usually am not even inclined to hold other people's babies. I may recognize that they are cute, even feel happy looking at them and their adorableness, but I don't yearn to hold them the same way lots of women seem to. I think it's my Vulcan-ness that sees them more as little strangers that don't know me and I don't know them, rather than as merely adorable infants.

So, this weekend I finally connected the two feelings. I realized that since I don't really care about holding other peoples babies, mine are all I'll have to cuddle as infants, so I need to eat up every little second I get. And I don't need to feel bad for not sharing him with other women. They can apparently get their fix with other people's kids, so I'm not obliged to gratify their cravings with my child. My kid is my kid, I like holding him all the way through church (I'm almost jealous when my own husband holds him, for crying out loud), I like hanging out with him even on weekends, and I even think it's cute to take him with us to restaurants.

I'm glad to have one more guilt erased from my life, and while I won't swear I'll feel exactly the same way all my life, I'm gonna own it. And love spending all the time I can with my little man who just isn't going to be little for very long.