holding babies

The other day I finally decided not to feel bad for wanting to hold my baby all the time. I know, you didn't imagine I would be having such struggles, but having a baby has encouraged me to feel things I never imagined either. Since having my cute little boy, I will be places with him and other people will want to hold him or play with him, and it's totally fine. In fact it's probably good, I want him to have a good time with other people so he doesn't grow up afraid of them. But I've felt a silent pressure to share him with others that don't really like. I've felt, at times, like I should be planning times to have someone watch him for me just so others can enjoy him for a while, or I should let others hold him in church when really I'm perfectly content to hold him myself all the time. (There are rare moments when I am tired or grumpy for some reason, when I am glad to have others take him, but it is rare).

Well, I made a little breakthrough the other day. I've never been a major baby person, and usually am not even inclined to hold other people's babies. I may recognize that they are cute, even feel happy looking at them and their adorableness, but I don't yearn to hold them the same way lots of women seem to. I think it's my Vulcan-ness that sees them more as little strangers that don't know me and I don't know them, rather than as merely adorable infants.

So, this weekend I finally connected the two feelings. I realized that since I don't really care about holding other peoples babies, mine are all I'll have to cuddle as infants, so I need to eat up every little second I get. And I don't need to feel bad for not sharing him with other women. They can apparently get their fix with other people's kids, so I'm not obliged to gratify their cravings with my child. My kid is my kid, I like holding him all the way through church (I'm almost jealous when my own husband holds him, for crying out loud), I like hanging out with him even on weekends, and I even think it's cute to take him with us to restaurants.

I'm glad to have one more guilt erased from my life, and while I won't swear I'll feel exactly the same way all my life, I'm gonna own it. And love spending all the time I can with my little man who just isn't going to be little for very long.

kid thoughts

This morning I went into the office and got my cup and made my way to the water cooler, as I often do. I placed my cup beneath and pushed the cold water button until my cup was almost full. As I released the button a big bubble released and floated through the water in the tank to the top. It reminded me of how, when I was a kid, I would wonder just what combination of water volume extracted and speed of button pressing was needed to release bubbles. I must have liked the sound and sight of those big bubbles in the tank cause I remember sitting with a glass and pushing the button...short, long, again, just trying to figure out how to make it go.

I love thinking about how I thought of things as a kid. They don't really make sense now, or else I realize how off they were, but it's cool to me. I like knowing that I wondered and tried to figure things out. It's like I'm proud of my younger self for being inquisitive.

Like the times I remember watching the sun streaming in a big window so that you can see all the dust floating around in the air. I was fascinated to see little things suspended like that, seemingly only in the sunlight, and sometimes not so little. There were times I would, ever so carefully, try to capture a bigger dust glob in my hand, but when I opened my hand it would never be there. I realize now that I may have caught it but lighting would make it hard to see. Knowing that doesn't make me feel silly for trying, though, or for thinking the things I did. That's all part of learning and growing. It's gotta start somewhere and my kid thoughts served me well.